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Ben Steckiewicz

Accountability

For many of us the idea of accountability may seem threatening and unhelpful when we are struggling. We may feel intimidated by this idea. It may also feel lacking in the empathy and the care we need as it is a word that can frequently be used to apportion blame within a work capacity or disagreements or confrontation with others.


However, taking responsibility for your human experience in its entirety actually reduces stress, conserves our energy and builds our self confidence. We can all do this and it takes no special skill to be able to meet your own needs, in fact, you are the best person placed to do so for many reasons.

My understanding of accountability within my mental health struggle has been the crucial learning point that has allowed me to recover and shed years of bad habits.


During my long period off work with depression I tried many strategies, activities and consumed information to help me rid myself of this oppressive black cloud that sat above my head. This toxicity periodically swirled into my mind and body and seemed to leak from the inside out of me, colouring my whole being grey.


There were days and weeks that were better than others during this time of recovery. I would tell people I was getting better but I knew deep down that I was simply better for now. Possibly that day, few days or few hours. I felt it would take ardeous transformative change to avoid depression forever. This did not seem possible. I felt like something in my being was wrong, broken and would always be that way. This crack in my personality seemed not to let in light, as I felt it did for others, but instead dark, insidious feelings that I was victim to. These feelings would hide behind my eyes, sniggering as I told people I was ok or I had begun to find strategies that worked for me. They knew, as did I, I only ever felt happiness or contentment for short periods of time and soon those feelings would be driven out by my resident demons of depression.


One day, not a good one, I woke up feeling low…very low. I sat on the sofa and allowed self doubt, overthinking, self sabotage and self criticism to submerge me with ferocity.


Anyone who has experienced this will know the feeling I mean; the feeling of sitting perfectly stoic, gripped with fear, whilst the ice cold water pours in, rises around you and you watch, powerless to stop it. It drowns out the noise of the world and you, fills everyone and everything conscious, subconscious, tangible and abstract so that depression is palpable within everything around you. You hold your breath wondering how long you will be here for this time. You consider what version of you will remain after this subsides.


I messaged my closest friend - as was a common self help strategy for me for years - to tell her how I was feeling and she, of course, was lovely. But it didn’t help.


Then it smacked me in the face and I actually felt it…


These are just feelings, I am exhausted because of them and I can either choose to feel this way today or be present and allow myself to come up for air and those feelings to ebb away.


These feelings are not my reality, just sensations and thoughts which could instead be replaced by another set of feelings.


The black cloud that had wound its way around me, constricting my feelings of contentment, immediately seemed to lose its intense energy, drifting slowly from the corners of my being. I chose from that moment on to remind myself that when I felt this way I was in control, I was choosing these feelings and posed the question to myself - do I want happiness in this moment?


Now that sounds easy, doesn't it?


There were times when I found myself saying no. That I wanted to wallow in those feelings and allow them to be my reality. This surprised me and provided me with a heightened sense of self awareness. There were times it seemed where I enjoyed sitting in the mire and feeling blue. It seemed to be an addictive feeling. I had to take responsibility for this, be accountable for the fact that if I chose to allow those feelings to reside and create my experience then I would indeed feel symptoms of depression more frequently and with brutality.


There were other times when I vehemently replied yes and I would choose to simply get up in the first instance. Moving requires more presence than sitting or laying. Then I would begin a task for which I had to be present (cooking the dinner for later that day, listening to music whilst cleaning the house, phoning a friend I didn't know so well to have a light conversation, sorting washing, life admin etc) They were not tasks that promoted joy necessarily but that required my attention and needed doing.


Much of what you will read, in varied disciplines, would say I needed to engage with joy to distract myself and experience more of the positive than negative in my day. However, when we feel depressed or anxious, joy can feel like a pressure. Something to achieve and hold onto. Distraction in its simplest form was all I needed or felt I could aim for at this point and it worked. Simple is key, attainable is key, ease is key when you are suffering.


Before I knew it, I didn't feel those feelings of depression quite so intensely. I had placed my energies elsewhere and those feelings were either much quieter or smaller.


One of the things that helped this thought process and preceded this moment was listening to a particular podcast. A psychological, no nonsense approach to stepping away from social conditioning and taking accountability for your own thoughts and feelings. A message that can so often be characterised as harsh, lacking in empathy and simplistic. However, it was the push I needed given my own individual circumstance and conditioning to face myself. To face the fact that although I was ill I was still accountable for my contentment and for my recovery.


In my accountability I have to acknowledge that:

When I am struggling I ‘flop,’ retreat or panic and ask for help almost immediately and without registering this.

I pass my feelings onto the other person as I feel out of control and inadequate to handle the issue myself.

When this person does not solve my problem or make me feel supported and heard I distract myself from the issue at hand by blaming that other person for failing me in order to avoid feelings of fear and facing what is infront of me.

This results in the problem being unresolved and me feeling helpless and having upset or negative feelings towards another person.


A wonderful cocktail that weighs me down with fear and abandonment as well as providing lots of loose ends that require subsequent thought, engagement and energy to reach an equilibrium in my life again.

It also results in me taking no accountability for my feelings or facing my own bullshit and confronting this subtle process of procrastination and validation of the thought that ‘I am stuck.’


So that day:

I didn’t overthink.

I didn’t engage with those feelings at all.

I didn’t let my feelings overwhelm me.

I acknowledged that these were simply feelings and not facts and did not therefore need me to invest time and energy into them right now.

I accepted what is and did not search for other meanings - I felt low, tired and listless.

I thought about why - I hadn't slept well for a few nights running, I had no plans for the day and I was spending a lot time alone.

I got on with the day and allowed the present moment to take over.


This approach used much less energy than how I had previously responded to these moments in time. It avoided reinforcement of my depressive symptoms, low confidence and low self worth. It avoided me feeling upset, angry, confused or lost and it rooted me in the now. The more and more I did this, the more present and ‘in my body’ I was rather than ‘in my mind.’ I was experiencing reality not my thoughts.


When I had quieter moments where I was feeling calm and secure those thoughts/feelings returned and I would engage with them. When they reemerged from the grey mist I was already aware of them after their previous visit and seemed to be able to deal with them quicker. I seemed more able to accept or settle them. I would allow myself to drown in those feelings calmly and with consent. Under the waves I watched my feelings change colour, lighten and become clearer as the particles of confusion, anxiety and depression settled. This would reveal either a clarity to the issue or an emptiness. The emptiness was interesting to me. My body simply wanted to experience these feelings but once felt and processed there was nothing waiting in the depths to action or allow.


The more I absorbed the thought that I was accountable and in control of my own feelings towards my experience the more I began to see less and less of the dark cloud. The intensity and duration of depressive symptoms lessened. I wanted to wallow less, I wanted to be happy in this moment more.I embedded the understanding that I must be accountable for my feelings and experiences and cannot use tools or strategies to avoid or validate my feelings instead of accepting responsibility for them.


Actions

When I reference taking action in order to take greater accountability for your feelings I mean specifically the actions you may take to either solve an issue and/or support your mental health.

You may deploy tools or strategies such as seeking the right help, speaking to a friend, taking medication, doing exercise, going out in nature, meditation, playing with your children - but you must take ownership and decide what helps you and action that regularly and preventatively. No other person can experience your life for you, its for you to own with self compassion and intuition.


The role of others

You must take responsiblity for your feelings whilst simultaneously letting go of your accountability for others feelings. Whilst human behaviour can impact others, someone elses feelings are based on their own experiences as well as how they feel that day, their relationship with you etc. Someone’s else’s feelings are not your problem to fix, a lasting fix will only come from the person taking accountability for their own thoughts, emotion and cicumstance and acting on this.


You must stop demanding that others are to blame for the way you feel. Put simply, you choose to hold on to feelings, to have a series of negative thoughts, to commit your experiences to memory adding connotation and importance. So choose what is healthy for you. Acknowledge and let things go, live in the moment and enjoy your days as they come. If you choose to allow negative emotions consume you that is your choice.


Accepting and allowing

Accept what is and understand - the only control you have is over how you feel about life’s events in many cases. You are breaking your own heart wishing things were another way. We all have the power to fulfill ourself if we accept our lives for what they are and make plans to address areas which we would like to be different. Let go and breathe into each moment knowing you have the power to enjoy or face ALL of your experiences and can create change should you wish to. No one else has that power over your life, its down to you.


However, taking responsibility for your human experience in its entirety actually reduces stress, conserves our energy and builds our self confidence. We can all do this and it takes no special skill to be able to meet your own needs, in fact, you are the best person placed to do so for many reasons.


By assuming love, accountability and responsibility for your own health and happiness you let go of the burden of expectation, freeing youself from stressors. Don’t let society and others tell you not to, that it’s wrong, that others are to blame or that you have excuses that make you different from the rest. We are all unique, all deserving and all capable of loving ourselves, our lives and enjoying each day. Not every day with be euphoric and not every day should be so hard you are breaking your heart.

Contentment is the normal state for the mind body and soul to reside in so long as we experience self respect, self love and fulfilment.

If this is not the case you must make a change. You.

Life is not meant to be hard, others lives are not more wonderful than yours - we are all living the human experience together…despite what people want to show you or what your inner voice tells you.

Create your responses to your experience and take full accountability thus empowering you to enjoy your life rather than allow the balc cloud to envelope you.

power of taking accountability for your own thoughts, feelings and behaviours has on your self worth and well-being.

To take accountability for your feelings means respecting yourself enough to say that I can address my own anxieties or problems.

This thought has hugely empowered me to move away from my feelings of suicide and worthlessness. This feeling is strong, true and for the first time in a long time I feel content and calm in the knowledge that I am built to not only survive but to enjoy and be thankful for each day that passes. Knowing that not all feelings need my attention is learning curve for me but one that has been incredibly freeing.


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